1963
In 1963 I was 12 years old. My self image was based entirely on my athletic ability and my stage was Henry and John Long’s backyard for neighborhood football, basketball or wiffle ball games nearly every afternoon. When it rained we would compete in ping pong, pool or shuffle board in their basement. My security was based solely in how well I competed every day. Creation and conscience had not begun their work in my heart.
Less often I would take my self esteem on the road and I would compete against players from other neighborhoods at Bryant Field, or Woodley Hills Elementary, or other fields where Little League baseball was played. I still did well for the most part but chinks in my armor were revealed to me along the way. Richard Lamb, a hard throwing left handed pitcher was one of my chief rivals and truth be known he scared me to death. No one else was aware but every time I faced him I was afraid. We became high school teammates at Mt. Vernon High School in football, basketball and baseball and very good friends. But creation and conscience were not yet at work.
The Beatles
In 1963 I first became aware of the Beatles. I was a Beach Boys fan, although I knew very little about music, I loved their songs “Surfin”, “Surfing Safari”, and “Surfing USA”. But then the Beatles invaded and everything became about the Beatles. I was very disappointed but there was very little impact because everything that mattered to me involved competing with some kind of ball. Still creation and conscience had not begun to work.
The Fallen Hero
Then in November of 1963, my hero and more importantly my father’s hero was assasinated in Dallas, Texas. John Fitzgerald Kennedy was gunned down and we saw the shooting on the nightly news. The handsome, young President had been killed. I will never forget being at Walt Whitman Junior High School (currently Mt. Vernon High School) shortly after lunch and hearing rumblings in the hall. I was asked to run upstairs and verify what had happened and I cried as I returned to my classroom to report the tragic news. Creation and conscience were beginning to work.
A Family Destroyed
Our family life never recovered from that day. I know none of the details but the death of President Kennedy was the most significant event in the downward spiral of my father’s self esteem and mental health. His reaction to the event led to him losing interest in work (Department of Defense, Pentagon) and to begin to drink excessively and for days at a time. We eventually lost everything and my mother had to go back to work in order for us to be able to keep our house. My self image was shattered and my life became a life of hiding the truth from everyone and lying when necessary in order to not be found a fraud. Athletics were my only lifeline. But creation and conscience were now hard at work.
The Bus Stop and the Ball
Because we had lost our car, when my father was home, he would take a bus to the Pentagon. The bus stop was conveniently located right out our front door on Mt. Vernon Memorial Highway. I would watch him get on the bus and my stomach would immediately go into knots, afraid that he would not come home for days or even forever. Nearly every evening, I would stand outside our house, usually bouncing a tennis ball off our side wall just below the picture window in our living room, waiting and watching as the successive buses came and left our stop. Eventually the last bus would come around 8:00 PM and if my father was not on that one we would probably not see him again for several days or weeks. Every night I bounced the tennis ball against the wall and waited. Creation and conscience were about to break through.
One evening while I was waiting, it became so dark that I could no longer see the ball. I went out to the end of our sidewalk and laid down on my back. My heart was sinking inside me as it was time for the last bus. It came and went and no one got off. I cried again as I stared into the night sky. I was afraid and angry. I was confused and ashamed. I was lost. But on this night, creation and conscience were about to break through.
A Starry, Starry Night
As I stared into the sky I was amazed. It was one of those nights when I could see a million stars in the sky. As I gazed at all the stars I became afraid. For the first time in my life I thought, “How is it possible that I am even here on this rock, swirling through the universe and not flying off into oblivion? And now I was more afraid. I literally froze in fear as I considered how minuscule I was compared to whatever I was staring at in the night sky. I never felt so alone. And then it dawned on me. THERE HAD TO BE A GOD! On that night, alone and afraid, I knew that if there were no God I couldn’t be laying on a big rock spinning about in our galaxy. Without a God everything couldn’t possibly hold together. From that moment going forward I thanked God for every good thing and I talked to God in every circumstance. My most alone moment became my benchmark moment of belonging. My most afraid moment became the place where I found the essence of security. Creation and conscience revealed the truth about God.
Isaiah Chapter 6
I now know that I was having an Isaiah 6 moment. In Isaiah Chapter 6:1-8, we read, “In the year that King Uzziah died I saw the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up; and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him stood the seraphim. Each had six wings: with two he covered his face, and with two he covered his feet, and with two he flew. And one called to another and said: “Holy, holy, holy is the LORD of hosts; the whole earth is full of his glory!” And the foundations of the thresholds shook at the voice of him who called, and the house was filled with smoke. And I said: “Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts!” Creation and conscience were at work in Isaiah’s life.
The parallels in Isaiah’s life and my experience on that star filled night are incredible. Isaiah had his moment of utter fear in the year that King Uzziah died. I had mine in the year that President Kennedy was killed but more significantly, in the year that I lost my father. King Uzziah was the man in whom Isaiah found his security and his significance. President Kennedy and my father were those things for me. When Isaiah felt most alone God revealed himself to him. God had done the same for me. God had revealed himself to me so that I could honor him as God and give him thanks. To honor him as God is to simply acknowledge that he is God and I am not. To give him thanks is to thank him for who he is in all things.
Romans Chapter 1
This is exactly what Paul tells us in Romans Chapter 1. Romans is the most complete exegeses of the Gospel in the entire Bible and it begins with an interesting thought about how many people to whom God has revealed himself. In Romans Chapter 1:18-21 it says, “For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth
for what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them for his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse. For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened.”
Man has No Excuse
Notice that men are without excuse because God has revealed himself through at least two things – Creation (the things that he made) and conscience (his divine nature). There is an interesting connection between God’s revelation of himself through creation and his revelation of himself through conscience. Once you have become aware of God’s existence through the things he has created (in my case the stars in the sky) you become aware of how far short you fall with regard to his holiness. You see that if there is no God then we would not have a conscience. If there is no standard by which we measure right and wrong intuitively there is no way we can have an internal voice within us that condemns us when we are rude. And if we are simply a random set of atoms who have against all odds become living beings then there is no standard of right and wrong. Especially an internal governor. If right and wrong is relative then there is no conscience. But because we all have been shown the reality of God by the things he has created, we must acknowledge that there is a God and listen to that still small voice inside us that we call conscience. Let creation and conscience have their way in your life. I did.
Atonement and Shame
When we surrender to the creative power and the holy nature of God, he promises to change us from the inside out by his power through the finished work of Jesus on the cross. Look what happens to Isaiah after he has his moment of revelation and conscience in Chapter 6:6-8. “Then one of the seraphim flew to me, having in his hand a burning coal that he had taken with tongs from the altar. And he touched my mouth and said: “Behold, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away, and your sin atoned for. And I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?” Then I said, “Here I am! Send me!” Notice that his sin is atoned for and that his guilt is taken away. In Jesus we are not just forgiven. Our shame is removed.
Nearly twenty years after God revealed himself to me on that starry night, I responded to the good news of the gospel and acknowledged that Jesus is who he claimed to be. Creation and conscience had their way in my life and at just the right time an angel took coals from the fire and touched my heart by which my sin was atoned for and my guilty conscience was removed. Then God said, “whom shall we send?” and I replied, “Send me!” Let creation and conscience have their way in your life and find the peace that passes understanding.
Amen Steve- thanks for sharing.
Excellent…..timely. Thanks for sharing!